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The ChickenBoner Club III

"The Club is Closing - Last Call!"

The article you are about to read is the third of a series inspired by a recent variant of that ages-old scam, the Pyramid Scheme, in which the thinly-veiled cover for outright theft and fraud is that time-honored tradition - the exchange of gifts. These are becoming more popular, and by some reports up to 20% of the populations of some trailer parks small towns are involved.

Please remember, "gifting clubs" by whatever name - like all other pyramid schemes - are 100% illegal! With that, sit back, grab a cold one, and enjoy the show!

[Rating: C&C]

[Ed note - I am serious. Please remove all liquid refreshments from your mouth, and lock up the family furry animals, before reading this. Also, if you don't know the meaning of the word "parody", look it up in a dictionary before complaining to me about this.]

[to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"]

"There once was a Fool in the Trailer Park,"
"Took part in lots of scams, but always as a Mark..."
"One day he up and said, 'Hey, look at me honey',"
"I just figgered out how to make lots of
$$$$MONEY$$$$$ "

Episode 3: The Umpire Strikes Out

[In the previous episode, our 'hero', Wat A. Jherckhoff, saw his pyramid scheme"gifting club" take off like wild fire. Actually, he did see a wild fire, which burned out of control and consumed 10,000 acres of old-growth forest, two turtle dove, and the nuclear power plant, since the Fire Dept. was in the middle of holding their own "Fishing Expedition" so they could buy a new firetruck. Everyone was fat, dumb, and happy, with lots of folks gaining the coveted title of 'DumBass'. However, this was all about to change... ]

Of course, such wonderful news could not remain a secret for too long. As people who reach the level of 'DumBass' tend to do, they told all their friends how they were getting the piles of $$$$MONEY$$$$$ they were waving around like it was toilet paper (except for the fact that it was green, and had pictures of dead Presidents on the front.) And their friends thought, "If those DumBasses can make all that $$$$MONEY$$$$$ on a 'Fishing Expedition', then we can do the same!" But, they found that Wat A. Jherckhoff had taken out a patent on the concept of a "Fishing Expedition", so they had to come up with their own themes. And, dream up the themes they did!

  • "Airline Travel Clubs", where participants paid $$$$MONEY$$$$$ to progress from the 'Cargo Bay', to 'Coach', to 'First Class', and finally to the 'Cockpit';
  • "Womens Empowerment Networks", where they paid $$$$MONEY$$$$$ to climb from 'chattel property' to 'barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen' to 'serving wench', to 'adult entertainer', to 'bra burner (Division 38-DD)', and finally arriving at "You've Come a Looooong, Way Baby!";
  • "Dinner Clubs", where you started out as 'Hors D'Ouevres', and upon paying out enough $$$$MONEY$$$$$ you went to 'Salad', to 'Entree', to 'Dessert', and finally 'Antacid' levels;
  • the "En-wrong Energy Trader's Club", where you start out as a 'California Consumer', and paid (lots of) your $$$$MONEY$$$$$ to run the levels - from 'mail-room clerk' to 'trader', to 'power broker', to 'PHB', to 'senior manager', to 'CFO', to 'CEO', and finally to 'ex-CEO (golden parachute division)';
  • and the "Dot-Com Club", where 'venture capitalists' paid $$$$MONEY$$$$$ to 'four-eyed cant-get-laid nerds', who become 'no-life cant-get-laid geeks', who become 'no-sleep cant-get-laid webmasters', who, upon arriving at the Final Level, become 'post-IPO cant-get-laid no-life dot-commies'.

And, it seemed, everybody was involved in one "Gifting Club" or another, and EVERYBODY was making lots of $$$$MONEY$$$$$ . And, it seemed, it would go on, and on, forever. They were so successful, in fact, that the chickenboners built great pyramids as monuments to their success.

However, eventually Wat A. Jherckhoff got too greedy, and sent out an email announcing his latest scheme 'fishing trip'. And, he decided, why not send out 82,736,001,243 more emails while he was at it? So he did, and thus began The Great Collapse.

For, it so happened, one of those 82,736,001,244 emails went out to a member of the RAIC - in fact, to a card-carrying Charter Member of the Spicey Chicken Cartel. These fine folks, while quite pleasant and civil and human most of the time, become ravenous pit-bulls whenever they catch the stench of a pyramid scheme - and this one was a real stinker. So, the Cartel swung into action. Piling into their sooper-sekkrit black helicopters. they set off in pursuit of their prey.

And, what an epic battle it was. The chickenboners opened up with their chain-letter guns, and for awhile it looked like they just might prevail. The SCC helicopters were being pushed back, despite their "scam-buster" cluster bombs. Then, just as things were very bleak, over the horizon came The Justice Twins - 'Rolf' and 'Sisyphus 6' - drawn out of retirement by the cries of the Righteously Indignant Ones.

As The Justice Twins entered the fray, they swung their mighty mallets - nicknamed 'Ballsmasher!' and 'Nutcracker!' - with great force at their foes. And they drove the chickenboners from their caves. As they scuttled to hide under dark rocks, the chickenboners cried "Ballsmasher! and Nutcracker!, Ballsmasher! and Nutcracker!" And, after the chickenboners abandoned their pyramids, the SCC Helicopter Corps came in and blew the pyramids into smoking craters of slag with their LARTillery. And, the Justice Twins - 'Rolf' and 'Sisyphus 6' - smashed the 'Gifting Club' boards into unrecognizable bits of rubble with their mighty mallets. Then, they rode off into the sunset, leaving the chickenboners to crawl out of their trailers and wonder in amazement just what went wrong.

And so, as the basis for the economy of the region had been destroyed, and as people had forgotten how to actually work for a living, clouds of recession spread over the land. And people went hungry, for they had forgotten how to ask the nice clown for Fries With That, and there was great Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth, and Brother turned against Sister, and there was Rioting in the Streets, and Walking in the Streets, and for years to come the Chickenboners were ashamed to show their faces to their neighbors. So they all became Hermits, and as they found a new Leader named Herman, became known as "Herman's Hermits".

[Of course, none of this could ever happen, because There is no Spicey Chicken Cartel.]

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The Spicey Chicken Cartel (TinSCC) does not engage in animal testing. All our tests are performed on human subjects (or a reasonable facsimile thereof).

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