Awards and Honors and Other Similar Stuff

Next to verifying the job skills of prospective White House interns, administering LARTs to MMFools is the most strenuous activity you can participate in. And, after a long day of fighting the Evil Ones Who Are Also Really Stupid, inputting targetting coordinates for KlooMissiles™, and deciding whether or not to use the optional KlooTonium™ warheads, what does the overworked, underappreciated eRAICer crave most to go along with their Spicey Chicken? Recognition in the Form of Meaningless Awards and Honors , of course!

So, in the public interest, your Spicey Chicken Cartel (TinSCC) is publishing the "Official Spicey Chicken Cartel (TinSCC) Roll of Awards and Honors", which you can nominate your Brethren in the Fight for, and for which if you are nominated and deemed worthy you will be allowed to add the Acronym of the Award or Honor as a Title After Your Name.

Following is a list of the current Honors and Awards being offered by the Spicey Chicken Cartel (TinSCC) as of the time this is being written.

Please read the following legal disclaimer very carefully - there will be a test on it next week. This Honors and Awards Program is subject to change or discontinuation without notice. Awards and Honors are granted at my pleasure, and are in effect as long as I say so. If you don't like it, tough luck - you have no recourse. Blah blah blah blah ... blah blah blah. Purchase not required. Void where prohibited (Sorry Tennessee!)

And Now, the Rolls of Honor And Awards:

"General Nuisance of the Light Brigade" (GNLB)

This is the "basic" honor, those who have received a Confirmed Kill of an MMFool's account and/or web site are eligible for it. Sort of like the "Dorm Guard" ribbon.

"Duke of the Milky Thighs ('Creame of Potatoe' division)" (DMT-COP)

This is the next higher level of honor, available to those who have really CREAMED an MMFool. Requirements include the superior ability to humiliate those who don't know how to utilize a spell checker, as well as those who are totally unable to spell themselfs.

"Knight of the Tender Breasts." (KtB)

A higher level of award yet again, the Knight is a mainstay of the eRAIC. A proven track record of kills is required, as is evidence of mastery of the LART. The Knight is expected to stay abreast of the latest techniques used by MMFools to run the Blockade of Righteousness.

"Crown Prince of the Cooked Goose (w/ Golden Egg leaf cluster)"(CPCG)

To receive this award, it is necessary to demonstrate skill by the take-down of a serious MMFool - no small MMFish will do (which means you can't qualify for this by LARTing an AOLuser)! A multi-Mega$Nets "internet", an entire cornucopia of PC-Super-*, or Texa$-Million$, now those are targets worthy of Crown Princes.

"R33l 133T 1aRT3R d00dz - Rolf's Raucous Rastrafarian Roasted Roosters"(R²R³)

This award is reserved for those whose writing style indicates their worship services may include the liberal use of a little medicinal ganja - or else they are required to have a combination of alpha and numeric symbols in their passwords, and have learned to write that way in order to keep in practice!

"Foreign Legion of the URLy Bird"(FLURBi)

Sort of like the WWF's "European Championship", you don't have to be a foreigner (European or otherwise) to earn this. I just used "Foreign" since it makes such a neat acronym. To be eligible for this honor, one must consistently demonstrate the capability to terminate with extreme prejudice the Web pages of MMFools, as reported to the MMFHoH T argetBoard. If you later decide you are sick of this, you will be diagnosed as having "Legion-heirs disease", and you and your children and your children's children, yea even unto the Fifth Generation, will be ineligible to regain this Honor.

"URL of Kung Pao"(UoKP)

This award is not granted to individuals - instead, it is bestowed upon Web sites which uphold the High Ideals of
the Best-Damn-Spicey-Chicken-Cartel there Is,
the Best-Damn-Spicey-Chicken-Cartel there Was,
the Best-Damn-Spicey-Chicken-Cartel there Ever Will Be... Anyways, sites so honored will be those that bestow Heaping Helpings of Humiliation on the Prophets of the Path of the Endless Chain.

"URL of Sandwich"(UoS)

This honor is very special indeed. It is reserved for that Special Site and Someone that succeeds in the Takedown In Total of that Corsair of Clipper, the Scourge of the Thousand Islands - "Ruben G.", the PC-SUPER-CrapiProgrammer hisself!
je je je je je je je :)

And Now, "Honors And Awards" For the MMFoolish:

Of course, while handing out honors and awards, we want to make sure we recognize those without whose foolish postings and mindless drivel we would not have the inspiration to write the electronic missives that prove so fatal to keyboards and small furry pets - the MMFools themselves. To them we raise our LART-launchers and say "Hold Still Dammit -- This THUDs For You!"

"Order of the Missing Link"(-404)

This "honor" is bestowed upon MMFools who set up their "Send Me $$$$MONEY$$$$ and I'll Be Rich" pages with a simple majority of the links on the page returning -404 Not Found .

"The Martell Award for Terminal KlooLess Oratory"(TKO)

This "honor" is awarded to the top 10% of "Martell's Mindless Fool-lowers". Successful candidates should be able to write a 500-word essay on "How the net.terrorists and pedophiles conspire together in their Trilateralist Swiss banks to deny Honest Internet Businessmen their Piece of the American Pie and there Right to Frea Speach and to Destroy Our Constitution!!!" without saying a single thing of substance. Pleaz runne yur assay throug a speelng chekkr furzt!

"Order of the Smelly Fish"(DumBass)

This honor is awarded to any punk MMFool who truly believes that Chain Letters are 100%%% LeAgLe D00D!!!11 and are a great way to make $$$$MONEY$$$$ .

"Totally Obnoxious Dumb Dorky D00d"(TODDD)

This honor is reserved for a very special type of Netrepeneur - a con-artist.wannabe who jumps from link to link, posting MMF chain letters wherever s/he/it lands like a ga.to (no relation to this fine site) marking its territory, and manages to post the identical MMF to all three of the open Rant Boards at the MMF Hall of Humiliation. Additional terms & conditions include that the poster must include their real home address, home phone number, email address, or other means of positive identification; that they make no attempt whatsoever to hide the IP address they are posting from; and that they "PLAY FAIR" and put their name & info in the Proper Numbered Slot!

How do I Nominate Someone Else for an Honor and Award?

It's pretty simple, really. Send email to with the string "Give This Person Their Reward!" in the title. State clearly who you are nominating for the honor and award, provide a complete and conclusive dissertation on why they deserve the honor and award in 25 words or less (including footnotes), and provide your driver's license, credit card number and expiration date in Rot-13 format.

How do I Nominate Myself for an Honor and Award?

It's pretty simple, really. Send email to with the string "KjxMu87#),EzArP!" in the title and the third line of the thirtieth paragraph. Try to explain coherently why you are so full of yourself that you think YOU deserve any recognition. Then Delete the Note! and DELETE IT AGAIN! Because you can't nominate yourself for an Honor and Award!

Special Note: If you are self-nominating for one of the MMFool Awards, follow the procedure for nominating someone else. Be sure to send a copy to that True Friend and Father Confessor of Unsolicited Email Activists, .

Eat More Spicey Chicken!

* "There is no Spicey Chicken Cartel."

The Spicey Chicken Cartel (TinSCC) does not engage in animal testing. All our tests are performed on human subjects (or a reasonable facsimile thereof).