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The ChickenBoner Club

"$cammer$ Helping $cammer$"

The article you are about to read was inspired by a recent variant of that ages-old scam, the Pyramid Scheme, in which the thinly-veiled cover for outright theft and fraud is that time-honored tradition - the exchange of gifts. These are becoming more popular, and by some reports up to 20% of the populations of some trailer parkssmall towns are involved.

The ancient pyramids were built by the Egyptian rulers as their own personal monument and tomb - a fitting memorial to their reign. The present day _pyramid schemes_ are created and run by "e-Gip-shun" Phoolish, and all too often become a tomb for the hopes and dreams of churches, communities, friendships, families - a memorial to unbridled greed run amok.

The "gifting club" variant of the pyramid scheme involves a people getting together in a group, and passing money up the chain. They come in a variety of themes (such as "dinner party", "airplane club", "women helping women"), and tend to hide the primary goal of any pyramid scheme (that of the scammers helping themselves to your $$$$MONEY$$$$ ) behind a veil of charity and "helping those in need" - which fits in nicely with the tendancy of this type of scam to prey on the less fortunate members of society.

So, in an effort to draw peoples' attention to just how silly and inane such schemes are, I have decided to present to you a story line of a "gifting club" scheme, in the format of a series of made-for-TV recaps.

Please remember, "gifting clubs" by whatever name - like all other pyramid schemes - are 100% illegal! With that, sit back, grab a cold one, and enjoy the show!

[Rating: C&C]

[Ed note - I am serious. Please remove all liquid refreshments from your mouth, and lock up the family furry animals, before reading this. Also, if you don't know the meaning of the word "parody", look it up in a dictionary before complaining to me about this.]

[to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"]

"There once was a Fool in the Trailer Park,"
"Took part in lots of scams, but always as a Mark..."
"One day he up and said, 'Hey, look at me honey',"
"I just figgered out how to make lots of
$$$$MONEY$$$$$ "

Episode 1: The Phantom DumBass

The show opens with our "hero", Wat A. Jherckhoff, sitting on the couch with a bucket of fried spicey chicken. As he finishes eating each piece, he tosses the bones out of the window, where they land KUNG PAO! on top of a large pile. He is watching the latest episode of "Who Wants To Be A Godzillaionaire?", dreaming of the day he too can be part of a story "AS SEEN ON NATIONAL TV!!!", turning a major metropolis into a pile of ash and rubble while fighting some mean Mothra...

All of a sudden, he has an Epiphany. He looks at the calendar, and sees that it is January 6, and thinks "WOW! I know how to make lots of $$$$MONEY$$$$$ ! I'll just get a bunch of folks together, and come up with a reason for them to give me a lot of $$$$MONEY$$$$$ ! Let's see, we have to make sure it is 100% LEAGEL!, so I'll tell them that if they give me the $$$$MONEY$$$$$ as a gift, then others will give them $$$$MONEY$$$$$ as a gift too! And it will be 100% LEAGEL, 'cause after all don't we give gifts for Christmas and birthdays and such?"__ So, he works on the details for his scam newest enterprise, and calls it a "Gifting Club". He wants a catchier name for it, though, and as he looks out the window it hits him. Really. The wind picked up one of the bones off of the pile, and it flew in the window and hit him SMACK! between the eyes. So, he will name his plan "The ChickenBoners Club."

So, he comes up with his scheme. His theme is "fishing trip", as it is something that the local community will understand (although fishing has absolutely nothing in common with "chickenboners"). He named his 'levels' as follows: a new participant starts out as 'bait', then progresses to 'lure', 'hook', 'line', and 'sinker'. Once the participant has swallowed the program 'hook, line and sinker', he progresses to the fish levels: 'minnow', 'guppy', 'flounder', 'tuna', 'catfish', 'crappie', 'trout', and finally, when the participant reaches the top, he gets the coveted title of 'DumBass'. At each level, the participants bring their 'fins' (that's slang for $$$$MONEY$$$$$ which they pass 'up the line' to the levels above them.

The final scene of the first episode is the first party. Wat A. Jherckhoff has invited a bunch of his trailer-park neighbors over, and they all brought lots of 'fins' (that's slang for $$$$MONEY$$$$$ ), which is passed up the pyramid line to the first 'DumBass' - yep, our Hero Hisself! EUREKA!!

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The Spicey Chicken Cartel (TinSCC) does not engage in animal testing. All our tests are performed on human subjects (or a reasonable facsimile thereof).

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