On May 21, Merrill Lynch agreed to pay a $100 MILLION penalty and make reforms to improve the integrity of its securities research analysis. WOW! Do you know what a pile 20,000,000 $5 dollar bills looks like? It's AWESOME! It's a LOT of $$$$MONEY$$$$$ !
But, I digress. It appears that the Ney York AG found some "smoking emails" where analysts made disparaging remarks about the companies whose stocks they were shilling to the stupid mindless sheep investment community. For example, at this press release you can read where an analyst called the stock of one company "a piece of junk", while giving the company their highest stock rating. Apparently, this wasn't an uncommon occurrance, and may have helped fuel the dot-com BOOM!, which saw the retirement accounts of lots and lots of working-class stiffs go BUST! It's nice to know these analysts were looking out for our best interests.
So, I got to thinking, if the "legitimate" investment community could screw us hoodlink us mislead us make such an error, what about the MLM-hucksters, the pyramid schemers, the snake-oil peddlers who fill our email inboxes and our browsers with their offers of LOTS AND LOTS OF $$$$MONEY$$$$$ and garish spinning GIFs for doing nothing more than making complete asses of ourselves in a public place. Oh, and maybe risk alienating your friends and family, tearing your church apart, and just possibly earning a C&D from the FTC. Sooo, I thought I would use the SOOPER-SEKKRIT MIND-READING SPYWARE that the Cartel has invented to find out what is going on behind the scenes at the HQs of some of our fave scam artistes...
[Rating: C&C]
[Ed note - I am serious. Please remove all liquid refreshments from your mouth, and lock up the family furry animals, before reading this. Also, if you don't know the meaning of the word "parody", look it up in a dictionary before complaining to me about this.]
This is a tale of two emails. The first is a variation of the "As Seen on National TV" 5-reports MMF Chain letter, and is meant for public consumption. The names on this letter have not been changed to protect the innocent, because they aren't innocent. This is a real MMF chain letter sent to me.
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From: <>
To:
Subject: Seen On Tv Plan Lets You tap Into Explosive Internet Growth
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_Dear Friend_
A recent survey by Nielsen/Netratings says that ''The Internet
population is rapidly approaching a 'Half a Billion' People!''
SO WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN TO YOU?
Let's assume that every person has only one E-mail address ... that's 500 million potential customers and growing! In addition, E-mail is without question the most powerful method of distributing information on the face of the earth. Well, I think you get the picture. The numbers and potential are just staggering, but it gets even better ...
Suppose I told you that you could start your own E-mail business today and enjoy these benefits:
=== All Customers Pay You In Cash!!!
=== You Will Sell A Product Which Costs Nothing to Produce!
=== Your Only Overhead is Your Time!
=== You Have 100s of Millions of Potential Customers!!!
=== You Get Detailed, Easy to Follow Startup Instructions!
AND THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG ...
As you read on you'll discover how a 'Seen on National TV' program is paying out a half million dollars, every 4 to 5 months from your home, for an investment of only $25 US Dollars expense, one time. ALL THANKS TO THE COMPUTER AGE ... AND THE INTERNET!
Before you say ''Bull'', please read the following:
This is the letter you have been hearing about on the news lately. Due to the popularity of this letter on the Internet, a national weekly news program recently devoted an entire show to the investigation of this program described below, to see if it really can make people money.
The show also investigated whether or not the program was legal. Their findings proved once and for all that there are ''absolutely NO laws prohibiting the participation in the program and if people can follow the simple instructions, they are bound to make some mega bucks with only $25 out of pocket cost''.
DUE TO THE RECENT INCREASE OF POPULARITY & RESPECT
THIS PROGRAM HAS ATTAINED, IT IS CURRENTLY WORKING
BETTER THAN EVER.
===== This is what one had to say:
''Thanks to this profitable opportunity. I was approached many times before but each time I passed on it. I am so glad I finally joined just to see what one could expect in return for the minimal effort and money required. To my astonishment, I received total $ 610,470.00 in 21 weeks, with money still coming in''.
Pam Hedland, Fort Lee, New Jersey.
--------------------------------------------------------
Here is another testimonial:
''This program has been around for a long time but I never believed in it. But one day when I received this again in the mail I decided to gamble my $25 on it. I followed the simple instructions and walaa..... 3 weeks later the money started to come in. First month I only made $240.00 but the next 2 months after that I made a total of $290,000.00. So far, in the past 8 months by re-entering the program, I have made over $710,000.00 and I am playing it again.
The key to success in this program is to follow the simple steps and NOT change anything.''
More testimonials later but first:
====== PRINT THIS NOW FOR YOUR FUTURE REFERENCE ======
If you would like to make at least $500,000 every 4 to 5
months easily and comfortably, please read the following ... THEN READ IT AGAIN and AGAIN!!!
===== FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS,
TO MAKE YOUR FINANCIAL DREAMS TRUE! =====
INSTRUCTIONS:
------------
==== Order all 5 reports shown on the list below.
==== For each report, send $5 U.S. CASH, THE NAME & NUMBER
OF THE REPORT YOU ARE ORDERING and YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS to
the person whose name appears ON THAT LIST next to the report.
MAKE SURE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS IS ON YOUR ENVELOPE
TOP LEFT CORNER in case of any mail problems.
====== When you place your order, make sure
you order each of the 5 reports
You will need all 5 reports so that you can save them on your computer and resell them.
YOUR TOTAL COST $5 X 5 = $25.00.
====Within a few days you will receive, via e-mail, each of the 5 reports from these 5 different individuals. Save them on your computer so they will be accessible for you to send to the 1,000's of people who will order them from you. Also make a floppy of these reports and keep it at your desk in case something happens to your computer.
====IMPORTANT - DO NOT alter the names of the people
who are listed next to each report, or their sequence on the list, in any way other than what is instructed below in steps 1 through 6 or you will loose out on majority of your profits. Once you understand the way this works, you will also see how it does not work if you change it.
Remember, this method has been tested, and if you alter,
it will NOT work!!!
People have tried to put their friends/relatives names on
all five thinking they could get all the money. But it does
not work this way. Believe us, we all have tried to be greedy and then nothing happened.
So do not try to change anything other than what is instructed. Because if you do, it will not work for you. Remember, honesty reaps the reward!!!
1. After you have ordered all 5 reports, take this advertisement and REMOVE the name & address of the person in REPORT # 5. This person has made it through the cycle and is no doubt counting their fortune.
2. Move the name & address in REPORT # 4 down TO REPORT # 5.
3. Move the name & address in REPORT # 3 down TO REPORT # 4.
4. Move the name & address in REPORT # 2 down TO REPORT # 3.
5. Move the name & address in REPORT # 1 down TO REPORT # 2.
6. Insert YOUR name & address in the REPORT # 1 Position.
PLEASE MAKE SURE you copy every name & address ACCURATELY!
=========================================================
Take this entire letter, with the modified list of names,
and save it on your computer. DO NOT MAKE ANY OTHER CHANGES. Save this on a disk as well just in case if you loose any data.
To assist you with marketing your business on the Internet,
the 5 reports you purchase will provide you with invaluable marketing information that includes: How to send bulk e-mails legally, Where to find thousands of free classified ads and much, much more.
There are 2 Primary methods to get this venture going:
METHOD # 1: SENDING BULK E-MAIL LEGALLY
=======================================
Let's say that you decide to start small, just to see how
it goes, and we will assume you and those involved send out only 5,000 e-mails each. Let's also assume that the mailing receive only a 0.2% response (the response could be much better but lets just say it is only 0.2%. Also, many people will send out hundreds of thousands e-mails instead of only 5,000 each).
Continuing with this example, you send out only 5,000 e-mails. With a 0.2% response, that is only 10 orders for report #1. Those 10 people responded by sending out 5,000 e-mail each for a total of 50,000. Out of those 50,000 e-mails only 0.2% responded with orders. That's = 100 people responded and ordered Report #2. Those 100 people mail out 5,000 e-mails each for a total of 500,000 e-mails. The 0.2% response to that is 1000 orders for Report #3.
Those 1000 people send out 5,000 e-mails each for a total of
5 million e-mails sent out. The 0.2% response to that is 10,000 orders for Report #4. Those 10,000 people send out 5,000 e-mails each for a total of 50,000,000 (50 million) Emails. The 0.2% response to that is 100,000 orders for Report #5.
THAT'S 100,000 ORDERS TIMES $5 EACH = $500,000.00 (a half million).
Your total income in this example is:
1..... $50 +
2..... $500 +
3..... $5,000 +
4..... $50,000 +
5..... $500,000 ......... Grand Total = $555,550.00
NUMBERS DO NOT LIE. GET A PENCIL & PAPER AND FIGURE OUT
THE WORST POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND NO MATTER HOW YOU
CALCULATE IT, YOU WILL STILL MAKE A LOT OF MONEY!
-----------------------------------------------------------
REMEMBER FRIEND, THIS IS ASSUMING ONLY 10 PEOPLE
ORDERING OUT OF 5,000 PEOPLE YOU MAILED.
Dare to think for a moment what would happen if everyone,v or 1/2, or even one 1/5 of those people mailed 100,000 e-mails each or more? There are over 250 million people on the Internet worldwide and counting. Believe me, many people will do just that, and more!
METHOD # 2: PLACING FREE ADS ON THE INTERNET
===================================================
Advertising on the net is very, very inexpensive and there
are hundreds of FREE places to advertise. Placing a lot of free ads on the Internet will easily get a larger response. We strongly suggest you start with Method # 1 and add METHOD # 2 as you go along.
For every $5 you receive, all you must do is e-mail them the Report they ordered. That's it! Always provide same day service on all orders. This will guarantee that the emails they send out, with your name and address on it, will be prompt because they can not advertise until they receive the report.
ORDER EACH REPORT BY ITS NUMBER & NAME ONLY.
Note: Always send $5 cash (U.S. CURRENCY) for each Report. Checks are NOT accepted. Make sure the cash is wrapped in at least 2 sheets of paper before you put it in the envelope. On one of those sheets of paper, write the NUMBER and the NAME of the Report you are ordering, your email ADDRESS, your NAME and postal address. Make sure you affix proper 'International' Postage if ordering a report from outside your country.
PLACE YOUR ORDER FOR THESE REPORTS NOW: ===================================================
REPORT# 1: 'The Insider's Guide To Advertising for Free On The Net
Order Report #1 from :
Travis A. Costa
2338 Green Valley Pkwy Apt. # 728
Henderson, NV 89014
USA
REPORT # 2: The Insider's Guide To Sending Bulk Email On The Net
Order Report # 2 from:
Gary Collins.
Bloque 7, Apt 47, El Camison.
Playa de las Americas.
Arona, 38660.
Tenerife. Canary Islands.
Spain.
_
REPORT # 3: Secret To Multilevel Marketing On The Net
Paul Bourassa
616 Sainte Famille
Boucherville, Quebec, J4B 4A6
Canada
REPORT # 4: How To Become A Millionaire Using MLM & The Net
Order Report # 4 from:
Diana Cooper
1074 Crosswind Ct.
San Jose, CA 95120
USA
_
REPORT #5: How To Send Out One Million Emails For Free
Order Report # 5 From:
Jubilee Consulting
6461 Mayfield Rd
Brampton, Ontario L6T 3Z8
Canada
There are currently almost 500,000,000 people online
worldwide!
$$$$$$$$$ YOUR SUCCESS GUIDELINES $$$$$$$$$$$
Follow these guidelines to guarantee your success:
*
If you do not receive at least 10 orders for Report #1 within
2 weeks, continue sending e-mails until you do.
After you have received 10 orders, 2 to 3 weeks after that
you should receive 100 orders or more for Report #2. If you did not, continue advertising or sending e-mails until you do.
Once you have received 100 or more orders for Report #2, YOU CAN RELAX, because the system is already working for you, and the cash will continue to roll in!
THIS IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER: Every time your name is moved down on the list, you are placed in front of a different report.
You can KEEP TRACK of your PROGRESS by watching which report people are ordering from you.
IF YOU WANT TO GENERATE MORE INCOME SEND ANOTHER BATCH OF E-MAILS AND START THE WHOLE PROCESS AGAIN. There is NO LIMIT to the income you can generate from this business!!!
FOLLOWING IS A NOTE FROM THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS PROGRAM:
You have just received information that can give you financial freedom for the rest of your life, with NO RISK and JUST A LITTLE BIT OF EFFORT. You can make more money in the next few weeks and months than you have ever imagined.
Follow the program EXACTLY AS INSTRUCTED. Do not change it
in any way. It works exceedingly well as it is now.
Remember to e-mail a copy of this exciting report after you have put your name and address in Report #1 and moved others to #2...........# 5 as instructed above. One of the people you send this to may send out 100,000 or more e-mails and your name will be on every one of them. Remember though, the more you send out the more potential customers you will reach.
So my friend, I have given you the ideas, information, materials and opportunity to become financially independent. IT IS UP TO YOU NOW!
MORE TESTIMONIALS
''My name is Mitchell. My wife Jody and I live in Chicago.
I am an accountant with a major U.S. Corporation and I make pretty good money. When I received this program I grumbled to Jody about receiving 'junk mail'. I made fun of the whole thing, spouting my knowledge of the population and percentages involved. I 'knew' it wouldn't work. Jody totally ignored my supposed intelligence and few days later she jumped in with both feet. I made merciless fun of her, and was ready to lay the old 'I told you so' on her when the thing didn't work. Well, the laugh was on me! Within 3 weeks she had received 50 responses. Within the next 45 days she had received a total of $ 147,200.00 all cash! I was shocked. I have joined Jody in her 'hobby'.'
Mitchell Wolf, Chicago, Illinois
--------------------------------------------------------
''Not being the gambling type, it took me several weeks to make up my mind to participate it this plan. But conservative that I am, I decided that the initial investment was so little that there was just no way that I wouldn't get enough orders to at least get my money back. I was surprised when I found my medium size post office box crammed with orders. I made $319,210.00 in the first 12 weeks. The nice thing about this deal is that it does not matter where people live. There simply isn't a better investment with a faster return and so big.''
Dan Sondstrom, Alberta, Canada
--------------------------------------------------------
''I had received this program before. I deleted it, but later I wondered if I should have given it a try. Of course, I had no idea who to contact to get another copy, so I had to wait until I was e-mailed again by someone else ......... 11 months passed then it luckily came again. I did not delete this one! I made more than $490,000 on my first try and all the money came within 22 weeks''.
Susan De Suza, New York, N.Y.
----------------------------------------------------
''It really is a great opportunity to make relatively easy money with little cost to you. I followed the simple instructions carefully and within 10 days the money started to come in. My first month I made $ 20,560.00 and by the end of third month my total cash count was $362,840.00. Life is beautiful, thanks to the Internet''.
Fred Dellaca, Westport, New Zealand
-------------------------------------------------------
ORDER YOUR REPORTS TODAY AND GET STARTED ON
YOUR ROAD TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM!
=======================================================
If you have any questions of the legality of this program, contact the Office of Associate Director for Marketing Practices, Federal Trade Commission, Bureau of Consumer Protection, Washington, D.C.
---------------------------------------------------------
This message is sent in compliance of the new email
Bill HR 1910. Under Bill HR 1910 passed by the 106th
US Congress on May 24, 1999, this message cannot be
considered Spam as long as we include the way to be
removed. Per Section HR 1910, please type "REMOVE" in
the subject line and reply to this email. All removal
requests are handled immediately once received.
__
5149kqHN6-571vrLx0072xaZD5-622ifOX1737AWIw7-395VfMm4143sl53
The second email is the text of a private email between two of the "masterminds" of the genre.
From: "Jonathan"
To: "Christopher"
Subject: Money-Making Opportunities
Boy, ol' P.T. sure was right, wasn't he? I mean, who would have thought that those stupid '$5 chain letters' would still be around, and as popular as ever? Not, only are they still around, but people are sure getting creative about re-writing them to as to obfuscate the fact that they are clearly illegal as all hell. 'Mailing lists'? 'Valuable Information Reports'? 'Personal Productivity Software'? 'Self-replicating websites'? Damn, what will they think up next? Screensavers with built-in spamware? An ISP dedicated to 'the letter'? Herbal Supplements? Who knows, maybe even 4-H clubs will get involved, and raise up another generation of sheep ripe for the shearing.
I'll tell you what, reading these letters, this one here is absolutely priceless:
"You have just received information that can give you financial freedom for the rest of your life, with NO RISK and JUST A LITTLE BIT OF EFFORT. You can make more money in the next few weeks and months than you have ever imagined."
What type of idiot does one have to be to BELIEVE that nonsense? I mean, don't they even bother to teach people basic mathematics anymore? How about "you get what you pay for"? I mean, an average 12-year old ought to be able to see right through the 'proof' that pyramid schemes work! And, anyone who has ever read ANY religious text should be able to discern that the whole idea of getting a lot of reward for no effort is a false hope, and a fraud. I mean, this stuff is no more a pile of crap than most of those 'dot-coms' were, and Merrill Lynch was pretty good at shilling that tripe. Can you believe, the AG of New York nailed them because someone blabbed in an internal email! What a d'ohpe.
But, hell, if an entire generation can throw away their retirement nest-eggs on businesses whose underlying financials were based on 'eyeballs' and 'hit-counts' instead of a solid revenue stream, why not let them throw a little of it our way? A society that funds their public education through a freakin' LOTTERY, the 'tax on the mathematically-challenged', certainly wouldn't be able to successfully resist the temptation to Make.Money.Fast!!!
Who knows, maybe we can start up a new industry, and convince those morons in Sacramento to de-regulate the atomosphere! We could then manipulate the prevailing winds, and charge them $9,999.99 /cubic-ft-hour for the right to breathe! I guess that would make us the 'air-apparent' to Enron, eh? 8^)
Jeez Louise, when those do-gooders Rolf and Sisyphus took out Kal Schmidt, I began to worry. Then, Ruben got his PC-SUPER operation in Canoga Park shut down. And Karen Liddell almost spoiled the party when she went public with her apology. But, there is no end to man's desire for quick, unearned wealth, is there? And, so long as this particular vice exists in the human gene pool, there will always be a place for us and our schemes.
BTW, 'mano, I noticed that Sisyphus has re-activated the MMF Hall of Humiliation again, and new articles are beginning to get posted. And, that horrid creature 'etee' has made the Spicey Chicken Cartel site a going concern. If we don't figure out how to distract, discredit, or destroy them, people may finally start listening to their message, and then we're off of Easy Street. You got any ideas, I wanna hear 'em.
Well, gotta go. I have 3 machines running Spam-o-Matic 2002, cranking out my newest creation, "AS HEARD ON NPR!" It's just another version of the 'gifting club' idea, but I am using that high-brow radio stuff to appeal to the yuppies who are getting behind on their BMW payment.
Anyway, this sure beats working for a living!
Sincerely,
"JR"
I couldn't put it any better, myself.
Eat More Spicey Chicken!
* "There is no Spicey Chicken Cartel."
The Spicey Chicken Cartel (TinSCC) does not engage in animal testing. All our tests are performed on human subjects (or a reasonable facsimile thereof).
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