The Spicey Chicken Cartel's Salute to: Turkey Day

Ahhh, it is getting to be that time of year again. The "Holiday Season", when we all celebrate the end of yet another revolution of the Earth around the Sun by chopping down entire forests of pine trees and decorating them with little lights and pieces of glass until they are completely dried out; by burning humongous amounts of gasoline driving around the shopping center parking lots, looking for a place to put the car while we engage in mortal combat with our fellow-citizens for the right to purchase some shoddy piece of plastic and fake fur that the toymakers assure us is this year's "must-have"; and by preparing and eating obscenely rich feasts the like of which haven't been seen since the days of King Louis and Marie Antoinette, thereby driving our cholesterol and blood alcohol to stratospheric levels.

And, the 'official' start of the Holiday Season is... Thanksgiving. The first of the big eat-fests. A time for the men of the house to gather around, scratch themselves, and knock down brewskis while watching football from the safety of their living rooms, while the women slave away in the hot kitchens preparing the cranberries, the yams, the dressing, the casseroles... and the turkey.

Yes. The turkey. The reason that Thanksgiving is also known as "Turkey Day". Did you know that Ben Franklin actually wanted the turkey to be our national bird, rather than the Bald Eagle? According to The Guy Who Flew a Kite in a Thunderstorm To Prove Electricity Existed, "...I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly... the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America... a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on."

And, it is true that a wild turkey is a wily bird, difficult to hunt, which can become more aggressive than Warren Sapp when presented with an opportunity to take a cheap shot. However, there is another turkey: the domestic variety. These birds have had all the intelligence bred out of them. They are so stupid that the Goodyear Blimp can't fly over the farms they are raised on, because if they fall under the blimp's shadow they get in a panic and crush each other to death. They are so stupid that if they are outside when it rains, they will look up with their mouths open until they drown. Certainly, this is not the bird that Uncle Ben envisioned as our national symbol.

However, it might actually be an appropriate choice. For, just as that noble bird the wild turkey has de-evolved into the brainless lump that graces our Thanksgiving tables, there is a de-evolved form of that noble American icon, the entrepeneur. While the "real thing" works hard and earns money off the sweat of his brow, the 'domesticated' entrepeneur sits in a dark room with a cathode ray tube and a keyboard, running a spamware program in an attempt to Make $$$$MONEY$$$$$ Fa$t! Whereas the real entrepeneur dreams of building up a business, of providing good quality products and services, the domesticated variety has visions of Instant Wealth! and $50,000 In Thirty Days Or Less! And, while the real entrepeneur understands the need to build up and maintain relationships, the domestic variant spews spam all over the Internet, and hurls obscene responses at anyone who dares complain. If they are very successful (by 'successful' I mean 'devious', 'underhanded', 'larcenous') they might even become the CEO of Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, or Martha Stewart Living.

Come to think of it, the domesticated entrepeneurs and domesticated turkeys have a lot in common. So, I think I will just refer to these so-called 'businessmen' as 'Jive Turkeys'.

Of course, without the 'Jive Turkeys' we at the Spicey Chicken Cartel wouldn't have the target-rich environment we enjoy so moch. So, in the spirit of the Holiday Seasons, we are going to give you a sample of our latest recipe: Roasted Jive Turkey, stuffed with Its Own Words. Remember, these Jive Turkeys are either (1) real MMFools, who have spammed either me or the MMF Hall of Humiliation with their crap, or (2) spammin-scammer d00dz, whose pursuit of $$$$MONEY$$$$$ follows a path other than The Way Of The Pyramid,or (3) defiantly clueless in-DUH-viduals who insist on providing moral support to the scammers, often liberally laced with profanity, or (4) a mixture of the above.

'Global Financial Services'

spammed all three of the public Rant Boards back on 16-Nov with an offer to join a 'private offshort investment' group for $25, promising a return of up to 30% / month. Gaming, banking, real estate, and lots of commas - it is all there for the mark to swallow, hook, line, and thinker.

'Livio Zoppas'

Back in 1998, this luser got caught spamming Usenet with MMF (he claims a relative sent the MMF), and was got his name (and address) mentioned in the Lupine Awards, thus securing his eternal place in the Archives of Usenet, and on the MMF Hall of Humiliation. This September, he sends me a cartooney threat, demanding I eradicate his 'personal information' from the Lupine reports, or else

"I'll denounce you and the site administrator...and I'll ask you for a compensation for damages because you don't respect my privacy, and caused me a damages for my person."

So, let me get this straight. Someone spams Usenet with MMF, includes your address to send the $$$$MONEY$$$$$ to, exhorts people to "send this to everyone you know", then you threaten to sue me if I don't remove your 'private' info? Yeah, right, you've got to be kidding me...

'E Ruether'

MMFool from San Clemente, spammed a 6-level MMF from a pacbell address.

'Sarah Tyler'

spammed my email inbox with a 5-level 'Reports' MMF from Salem, Oregon, earning her (and her family) a Lumber LART from the State of Oregon and skewering right here.

'Gicu'

Proof that MMF is not uniquely an American thing, this post from a Romanian University was a 6-level 'mailing list' MMF. Nothing particularly new here, but it did draw the attention of

'Mike'

Who posted a follow-up promoting his latest project, "a system that actually works and if all the people that are making it from sending money to each other want in on what works Email me. I am ready to help anyone that actually wants to make money."

'Matthew Donley Jr'

Another 6 Fool 'mailing List' MMF. When he got a light pee-pee whacking for posting this, he flew into a rage that only a hormone-overloaded teenage boy can, responding to all attempts to set him on the straight and narrow with such pearls of wisdom as:

"U [naughty word] [naughty word] have no [naughty word] lives what so ever U [naughty word] [naughty word] munchers. You [naughty word] [naughty word] at hacking."

and

"U can all [naughty word] my fat hairy [naughty word] sack u [naughty word] [naughty word] - [naughty word] [naughty word] mother [naughty word] ."

This one I bet grows up to be an English Professor.

'Brian Kopp', aka "lol", aka "::kik::"

Spammed Usenet with a 6-Fool MMF, when he got a spanking from his ISP he also decided to launch a testosterone-fueled assault on the MMF Hall of Humiliation Rant Board. Sometimes he went on the offensive, other times we sounded almost apologetic. Oftentimes, the manner in which he quoted his tormentors left you scratching your head and wondering 'what the heck was he saying?!?' Another lad with homophobic tendencies, he became obsessive (in an obscene way) over what he imagined the relationship between several of the HoH regulars to be. Eventually, he annoyed everyone so much that S6 fired off a complaint to his ISP, which shut him up - for awhile.

'Alisha Lunsford'

Spammed one Usenet newsgroup with 6 COPIES of a 6-luser MMF. I get she wanted us to Read it! Then Read It Again!! And AGAIN!!! And AGAIN!!!! And AGAIN!!!!! And AGAIN!!!!!! When Bobcat attempted to show her the error of her ways, this good Christian woman responded thusly:

"someone sent this to me and told me this was legal so i tried it. i did't know. they said the post office said it was legal so take it up with them not me."

and

"so post this.... [NAUGHTY WORD] YOU."

and

"you know what...i have other probelms to deal with other than arguing back and forth with you..so find soemthing else to do. i don't know how to delete it...i didn't even think i posted it right...you can't judge me cuz only God can judge me, you can call what you want to call me but i know what my name is..so don't send me anything else. i didn't know it was a scammer...so u take it up with the scammer. i don't have time for this [naughty word] ...so leave me the [naughty word] alone..if u want it deleted bad enough u do it."

And then, she launched her s00per sekkrit 3133T weapon:

"I bind you in the name of Jesus
I bind you in the name of Jesus
I bind you in the name of Jesus"

Maybe this explains why I have felt so... constipated... lately.

'Chip White'

Pushing some type of 'online degree' scam, this scum hit my inbox with a 'personalized' MMF - unfortunately, as he forgot to do the 'merge' part of 'mail-merge', I got the original boilerplate - complete with placeholder variable names. Of course, I couldn't resist tearing him a new one, at that part of my site labelled spam, Skewered.

'Walter Jessup'

Sent me the "AS SEEN ON NATIONAL TV" MMF from Hickory, NC. Shucks, I didn't know they even knew about computers in Hickory NC. I thought that the new-fangled flying-machine was about as far as they had gotten! Just think of it: a person who probably hasn't even heard of indoor plumbing, yet he can Yahoo!

'bologna'

When this luser came upon a report of someone who led the dual existence of custom furniture-maker and chain-letter artiste, he proceeded to question the mental competence of the person who unmasked the scammer. Several attempts to set this id10t straight have been met with even more underwhelming displays of mental force.

The 'Nigeria 4-1-9ers'

Nigeria is a land of contrasts. On the one hand, you have people like Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwon, who builds mosques, starts businesses which create real $$$$JOBS$$$$$ , and is a real class act. On the other hand, you have the 'judges' who stone women to death for having sex outside of marriage, the loonies who see a beauty pagent as an excuse to trash their city, and the scamsters to whom business is just another opportunity to scam stupid people out of their $$$$MONEY$$$$$ . Which would YOU rather have representing your country? All the modalities of this transaction are in favor of Hakeem. And, all your base are belong to us.

And, last but by no means least...

'Steve Martell'

Just as "Hollywood Hulk" Hogan will probably forever earn the award as the "Worst Wrestler of the Year", Steve-O will be given the nod as Most Defiantly Clueless MMFool. For, just like the Energizer Bunny, this id10t goes on, and on, and on in his sense-free rantings against the evildoers Rolf and "Sissy-Pants". At one time he was mildly amusing, now he is just simply pathetic. But, he earns his place in the Hall of the Jive Turkey by CONvincing new, inexperienced MMFools to practice their trade in our site And, for that, we thank him - even as we mallet his testicles to goo.

Well, I hope you have enjoyed your helping of Roast Jive Turkey. And, just remember, if you want to join these Jive Turkeys on the menu at the Spicey Chicken Cartel, all you have to do is to spam a chain letter or pyramid scheme with an offer to Make $$$$MONEY$$$$$ Fast!

But, please, don't do it. Seriously. I mean it. Just say NO! to MMF.

Eat More Spicey Chicken!

* "There is no Spicey Chicken Cartel."

The Spicey Chicken Cartel (TinSCC) does not engage in animal testing. All our tests are performed on human subjects (or a reasonable facsimile thereof).