Hello again, sports fans. It has been about a month since my last skewering (on this site, anyway). And, alas, the spams are still not real creative - everyone is shilling their website, where they are hawking the latest ''As Seen on TV!'' gadget, or they are telling my how The Power of the Pyramid can make me a Gazillionaire in 30 Days or Less!, or they want to help be repair my credit, or increase either my penis or breast size (or, in some cases, both), or help me find the Greatest P0rn on the Internet!

So, the pickings are somewhat slim. Let's just reach in the eHat, and pull out one at random... OK, here we are.

So, Without Further Ado: The Spam!

Return-Path:
Received: from psmtp.com (exprod5mx47.postini.com [64.75.1.214])
by (8.10.2/8.10.2) with SMTP id g8K1dl309072
for ; Thu, 19 Sep 2002 20:39:47 -0500
Received: from source ([216.39.194.17]) by exprod5mx47.postini.com ([64.75.1.245]) with SMTP;
Thu, 19 Sep 2002 18:39:50 PDT
Received: from walter (hky-5-18.nc.charter.com [])
by web2.mylinuxisp.com (8.11.6/8.11.2) with SMTP id g8K1dlo27850
for ; Thu, 19 Sep 2002 20:39:47 -0500
Message-Id: <200209200139.g8K1dlo27850 @ web2.mylinuxisp.com>
Received:
From:
Date: Sun, 1, Sep 2002 21:35:04 -0400
To: ed.truitt @ .net
Subject: Please read this letter carefully, it works 100%

As you may have noticed, once again I have chosen not to reprint the entire text of the message on the web page. I will, of course, have excerpts (which I will skewer) here, but if you want to read the whole thing, you can by simply clicking here. So, On With The Show!

Please read this letter carefully, it works 100%

* This is a one time mailing and this list will never be used again. *

You got that right.

Hi,

SEEN THIS MAIL BEFORE? SICK OF FINDING IT IN YOUR INBOX?

Yep. Yep.

ME TOO, HONEST

So then, why are you sending it to me?

I was exactly the same, till one day whilst I was complaining about how tired I was of seeing this in my in-tray, a colleague simply said, ''if it really is that common, then plenty of people must be doing it, making plenty of people earning from it''. With that one statement I understood that he was right, there must be plenty of people with smiles on there face right now because of this, logic says so. I decided what the hell, it's only the cost of a take-out meal for the wife and I, lets give it a shot.Without wanting to sound obvious, I am glad I did. I don't know about the $500,000 claimed below, but I am definitely up by over $20,000, and as yet nobody has requested report 5 from me, so in theory at least that figure should dramatically increase......here's hoping!!.

So, you were complaining about all this crap you were getting, a cow-worker told you ''Everybody's doing it, so it must be OK'', and all of a sudden you had an epihany or something? Our kids give us the ''Everybody's doing it'' line for everything from under-age drinking to inter-gender sleepovers. I have my own definition for ''Everybody's doing it, so it must be OK'': The Lemming Syndrome.

As for ''I decided what the hell, it's only the cost of a take-out meal...'' - add to that maybe a lengthy stay in a prison, and the lifelong title of 'convicted felon', and the 15-minutes of fame that comes from being featured on Web sites like this.

Please, if you have 2 minutes, read below and then .......think about it.
It's so obvious.
Thank you

AS SEEN ON NATIONAL TV:

Making over half a million dollars every 4 to 5 months from your home.

The sound you just heard was that of my mind going * boggle *. As Mr. Spock would say, 'fascinating.'

Due to the popularity of this letter on the Internet, a national weekly news program recently devoted an entire show to the investigation of this program described below, to see if it really can make people money. The show also investigated whether or not the program was legal.

Their findings proved once and for all that there are ''absolutely NO laws prohibiting the participation in the program and if people can 'follow the simple instructions' they are bound to make some mega bucks with only $25 out of pocket cost''.

Hmmm... guess that 'national weekly news program' forgot to look here. OK, let's cut through the drivel, and get to the juicy part: The List of Foolz we are going to roast!

PLACE YOUR ORDER FOR THESE REPORTS NOW :
======================= ========================= ==
REPORT # 1: ''The Insider's Guide To Advertising for Free On The Net''
Order Report #1 from:

Walter Jessup
P.O. Box 3191
Hickory, N.C. 28603
USA


REPORT # 2: ''The Insider's Guide To Sending Bulk Email On The Net''
Order Report # 2 from:

Matthew Ramsden
44 Moor Drive
Keighley
West Yorkshire
BD22 7RF
ENGLAND


REPORT # 3: ''Secret To Multilevel Marketing On The Net''
Order Report # 3 from:

Stephen Ash
254 Deerlands Ave
Parson Cross
Sheffield
S5 7WX
United Kingdom


REPORT # 4: ''How To Become A Millionaire Using MLM & The Net''
Order Report # 4 from:

Luis Pastor
Apartado 81
48080
Bilbao Spain


REPORT # 5: ''How To Send Out One Million Emails For Free''
Order Report # 5 From:

Richard Moulton
P.O. Box 82
Hot Springs, MT 59845
USA

Behind Door #1, we have Walter Jessup, from the State of North Carolina. The 'host name' in the originating 'Received:' header is 'walter'. Looks like this Fool can at least follow simple directions. Oh, and BTW, the originating IP () does resolve correctly (hky-5-18.nc.charter.com), so I knew just who to send the LART request to.

And, the final breakdown is: 2 Brainless Brits, 2 Asinine Americans, and 1 St00pid Spaniard. A real 'International Festival' of Fools.

'Success guidelines'. More testimonials. The promises that you can Make $$$$MONEY$$$$$ Fast! Yep, we are getting close to the bottom here. Just a few more goodies.

If you have any questions of the legality of this program, contact the Office of Associate Director for Marketing Practices, Federal Trade Commission, Bureau of Consumer Protection, Washington, D.C.

That would be where this statement came from.

This message is sent in compliance of the proposed bill SECTION 301, paragraph (a)(2)(C) of S. 1618.

You need to understand the difference between a proposed bill (like the Murkowski bill), and a real law (like the statues against committing mail fraud). One you don't have to obey, the other you do. Guess which is which.

* This message is not intended for residents in the State of Washington, Virginia or California, screening of addresses has been done to the best of our technical ability.

And that would be ''But the d00d who sold me the CD with BILLIONS of email addresses on it TOLD ME he had screened them!''?

* This is a one-time mailing and this list will never be used again.

I'll bet not! Especially not after your ISP reduces your account to a heap of molten slag.

This email was sent to you because your email address is part of a targeted opt-in list.You have received this email by either requesting more information on a related web site or someone may have used your email address. If you received this email in error, please accept our apologies. There is no need to respond, this is a one-time mailing.

Let's see.... hmmm.... no, I don't remember opting-in to a ''spam the hell out of me with stupid offers to commit felonies'' list. Someone must have used my email address. Like you, Walter.

Oh, and I don't accept apologies from MMFools. I do, however, gratefully accept apologies from their former ISPs, along with the 'kill' report.

Let's go squashing spammers,
nuke those A-O-Lusers,
Feel their brains go squishy
through our fingers now.